Pineapple Express

Enough about Jack White; I'm over him.

On to more worldly and relevant things: my cat's shit. I haven’t talked about his shit in awhile but don't think he hasn't been shitting. Oh, he's been shitting.

The other night when our friends were here he took a HUGE smelly shit right before we went to bed. Just after I cleaned that up he waltzed right back into the litter box and took a HUGER smellier more liquefied shit. Welcome to Nashville, friends!

Perhaps the most un-eco-friendly thing we do is scoop his litter into a plastic bag to throw it away. While it grants a second use to the bag, it's still not good for the environment. Plus, we're lazy sonsabitches so when it's late at night we'll just throw the bag out onto the porch until we can migrate it to the dumpster in the morning. Well, not only do we have some devilish varmint resembling a pile of sawdust going through our garbage can, I can only assume the same varmint likes to eat Ed's shit that gets thrown out on the porch. This happens more frequently than I'd like to admit because I continue to throw the bags of shit on the porch each night, but that's not the point. The point is, there is a creature in this world that eats our garbage and our cat's shit. If I can somehow capture this beast, I will solve the planet's global warming crisis.

The shit thing isn't all that bad and I tolerate it because at least since we've moved here the cat has stopped humping his mouse. In Columbus he had a mouse on a string attached to a stick that was the Rupert to his Stewie. He loved that thing so much he would just hump the shit out of it. We would hear him drag the mouse on the string on the stick all over the house, banging it into all kinds of shit, until he would settle on the right spot where he'd just go to town. We'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be on the goddamn bed just humping away or he'd do it when we had guests over like it was the most natural thing in the world. It's one thing if you've got a horny, hyperactive dog trying to hump your leg or something; that's annoying but somewhat humorous. It's another thing entirely to have a cat in the corner just humping the shit out of something. That's just weird. It's like the difference between seeing a baby's bare ass and a 40 year-old man's bare ass. And all the time he'd do it he'd just have this look on his face like, "What? You've never seen a cat humping before you goddamn prude?"

Now he just has a kitty doobie, a gift from our friends. It really looks like a large blunt filled with catnip and I’m telling you, it’s the Pineapple Express of cat toys. He just licks the shit out the thing. Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. I’ll come home and he’ll be sprawled out on the floor with this glossy look on his face and the kitty doobie laying on the floor next to him in a pool of saliva after what had to have been a stellar high. Sometimes I’ll find the damn thing under the bed like’s he’s been down there clam baking with the catnip.

Whatever. I don’t care that my cat is a strung out stoner because at least he’s not humping all the time now. If you have a cat, you should get the doobie. They’ll love you forever.