Happy New Year

Happy New Year! Or as they like to say in the fitness equipment industry – The Busiest Day of the Year!

Hopefully everyone has taken the time to write out their resolutions on a small, easily misplaced piece of paper. Personally, I only have one resolution each year: Be more badass than last year. Actually that’s not true at all, primarily because it’s impossible, but also because I just don’t believe in resolutions. Just because I had to get a new The OC desktop calendar doesn’t mean I need to re-evaluate everything I did wrong in 2008 and pretend like I’m going to rectify it in 2009.

New Year Resolutions – 2009:

-Stop judging people.

-Stop swearing.

-Stop stealing office supplies.

Whatever. It’s not even worth my time because I know I'm not going to change.

I hope you all had a good, safe New Year’s Eve last night, or as they like to say at the drunk tank – The Busiest Day of the Year.

We went to dinner last night at a little wine bar/restaurant near our house. We were seated in a small back room that was occupied by only one other table – a group of 20 or so ultra stylish hipsters. The head of the group, naturally, was some dude that looked like Jesus, if Jesus listened to lots of Bowie and watched Gus Van Sant movies. Seriously, this dude had the biggest, bushiest beard I’ve ever seen, like he had a badger hanging off his jowls. He was unironically seated right in the middle of the long side of the table so from our vantage point it literally looked like the Last Supper, if the Last Supper had been catered by Trader Joes. Along with him was a Rivers Cuomo look-alike who was wearing pants that were so tight I could count the dollars in his billfold, and a George W Bush look-alike if W were 30 years younger, 20 years balder, and had an affinity for dude cardigans. The most intriguing hipster of the group though, was a 30-something female with the biggest monster fucking eyebrows I’ve ever seen on a chick. Seriously, I thought it was that dude from Heroes at first until I looked closer and thought I was I staring into the eye(brow)s of my long lost sister. I’m not kidding, it’s like she had two mice nibbling on her forehead. I wanted to approach her so we could exchange contact info for our estheticians but then I thought what I really needed to give her was the make and model of my weed whacker.

I had this funny thought that if she and I were ever to make out (assuming she were not in fact my long lost sister) our faces would get stuck together like Velcro. I bet that’s exactly what gave George de Mestral the idea when he invented Velcro – he kept getting his face stuck in his girlfriend’s caterpillar eyebrows. Then after Velcro I bet  he invented Nair then eyebrow pencils. That was one smart dude.