Konichiwa, Bitches

Here’s the scene: It’s 5 am; I’m sound asleep. Well, not really sound asleep because I never sleep soundly. I sleep more like a Samurai – always vigilant; always ready. So anyway, it’s 5 am, I’m sleeping like a Samurai, when suddenly my Samurai sense wakes me up. I throw my eyes open to find the wife sitting up in bed like a goddamn prairie dog, peering out the window through a crack in the blinds.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I demand (Samurai like to swear, even at the crack of dawn).

“There’s something out there,” she whispers.

Instantly I’m up like a prairie dog Samurai, “What?”

“I don’t know,” she whispers, “something’s in our trashcan…” She leaves they last word hanging, as if she’s starring straight into the eyes of the devil himself, assuming the devil has penchant for rummaging through our trash in the middle of the night.

I feel my heart pounding in my chest as I slowly, cautiously and silently part the blinds to look out the window alongside her to see… nothing.

“Where is it?” I ask.

“There.”

“Where?”

“There.”

“Where?”

“There.”

“Where?!? I don’t see shit, wife!”

“There, on the ground,” she whispers, “I can’t see what it is without my contacts.”

“I don’t wear contacts; I have Samurai vision and I don’t see shit.”

“There!” she says with more urgency and fear in her voice, “On the driveway.”

I look closer, trying to shake the sleep from my eyes to see what the wife is seeing.

“There! It’s white. I can see it moving,” she says, almost panicked.

I look again and this time I see what she’s seeing… “Ah shit, wife, that’s a goddamn pile of sawdust on the driveway.”

“Oh… hmm. Well, okay then.”

Suffice it to say there was nothing outside rummaging in our trashcan. 

We laughed about it for quite awhile then she lay back down and went to sleep. I, on the other hand, was wired like a Samurai ready to chop some shit up with my Samurai sword and laid there wide awake contemplating all the things that could be rummaging through my trash other than an innocent pile of sawdust and what I might do if I ever were to catch them.

The overall lesson here though, is don’t wake up a sleeping Samurai unless you’re serious about seeing a bloodbath. Samurai get cranky when they don’t get enough sleep and/or don’t get to kill something.