Speaking of Wesley Snipes

I wasn’t bullshitting the other day when I said Wesley Snipes is a badass motherfucker. He’s been turning out badass movie for two decades now with no signs of stopping. I mean, this whole three-year jail term thing for tax evasion may throw a monkey wrench into things but even then, doesn’t that just sound like the plot to a new badass Wesley Snipes movie? Once in jail, the reigning heavyweight champion of the prison MMA system picks a fight with him in the mess hall, which results in a fully sanctioned UFC octagon cage match to the death. Snipes spends the first seven rounds getting his ass kicked and just as the champ is about to deliver the roundhouse death-blow to the head, Snipes summons the courage and strength to catch his leg in midair and snap it in half. The champ, completely debilitated in the middle of the ring awaits death at the hands of Snipes, but in that moment Snipes realizes he’s an actor, not a killer, and spares the man’s life. The fight earns him unparalleled street cred in prison where his courage and mercy help him to quickly ascend to the head of the prison gang. He then discovers Zen Buddhism and the non-violent ways of the Buddha but his new found peace is constantly tested by the rival prison gang in the showers, laundry room, and license plate making room. He’s forced to defend himself and demobilize his attackers where he then meditates over their beaten and bloody bodies and leaves them an enlightening verse from the Buddhist canons. After three years of this, Snipes is released where he finds out that not only did the IRS put him behind bars, but they murdered his wife and son, so he swears off his non-violent ways as he goes on a bloodbath campaign of revenge against the IRS and anyone who has ever worked for them.

Snipes started his career as the bad guy in Michael Jackson’s Bad video. Oh, you don’t believe me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPsfcsg4ZE

Since then he’s played badass sports stars in movies like Major League (“I’m Willie Mays Hays. Look like Mays; run like Hays!”), the black man who could jump in White Men Can’t Jump (alongside Woody Harrelson, who was white and couldn’t jump), and The Fan (I’m just going to say it – that movie sucked because of DeNiro. There, it’s out there and now we can move on); he’s played badass badasses in Passenger 57, Boiling Point, Rising Sun, Demolition Man, Drop Zone, Money Train, Murder at 1600, and US Marshals; and a badass drag queen in To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (Ok, this was one of the worst movies of all time, but every actor has a few skeletons).

And he hasn’t stopped; just look at his recent career – all of his movies have been released straight to DVD. Brilliant. Cut out the middleman; get that shit directly to the hands of the fans. Now that’s an actor that knows his audience.

In fact, after this whole IRS thing, look for his next movie to get released straight to DVD in 2012. It’ll be called Death Tax.