The shuttle was packed on my ride in this morning. Normally I sit in the back corner but I was forced to squeeze into a seat in the middle today. Just when I thought it was full to the gills one last dude got on so everyone had to shuffle and shift and push together to make enough space for him. He was a pretty big dude so he had to squeeze into the seat directly across from me and as he was sitting down my eyes, against my will, settled on his crotch where I saw his zipper was gaping wide open. I'd say that's a lot like opening your eyes in the morning and getting punched in the nose by a pile of shit. At least I probably had the same look on my face.
When he sat down I had to summon every ounce of resolve to keep my eyes diverted from the chasm in the crotch of his pants. "Do not look at the zipper! Do not look at the zipper!" But my eyes, the traitorous whores, refused to obey and instead locked in on the neglected fly like a dog's nose to an ass. It’s just one of those situations where no matter how hard you try, you just can’t look away, like a homeless man dancing a jig on the street corner. Oh man, it was awful.
Since I couldn’t look away I tried to do everything in my power to summon the Force to coax the zipper back into its appropriately modest position but it steadfastly refused as if it were mocking me.
It's like the thing was talking to me (in the voice of James Earl Jones), "Good morning, John! How do you do this fine day? Did you happen to see the Super Bowl last night? I can't believe how many catches Santonio Holmes had on that last drive. He was wide open - hahaha! Get it - wide open! Hahaha!"
I don't know how much time elapsed - a minute, 4 days, I don't know - before it occurred to me the woman seated next to me was sucked into the same death star tractor beam that I was, though she did what I didn't have the power to - she diverted her gaze from his nether region to catch his attention with her eyes. He acknowledged her and smiled politely then she deliberately redirected her gaze back below the equator in such a way that his gaze followed hers until his eyes rested on the unholy rift that the rest of us were focused on.
With a big burly laugh, almost like Santa Claus, he said, “Oh! Ho, ho, ho! Well lookie there!” As if he’d found a $20 bill instead of finding his goddamn barn door hanging wide open; as if he was saying, “Well lookie there, it’s James Earl Jones!”
And then James Earl Jones was like, “Well how do you do, Henry?”
“Just fine, James Earl. What are you up to today?”
“Well I’m not up to anything! Hahaha. I’m just keeping my options open! Hahaha!”
He quickly zipped back up but that only served to draw the attention of everyone else on the shuttle who hadn’t already noticed, as if the zipper had a bullhorn, “ZZZZZIP!!!” The next minute, which might as well have been 4 years, was horribly awkward as everyone tried to casually look around here or there, pretending they hadn’t noticed the whole ordeal. To his credit he seemed to take it all in stride like it was a weekly occurrence for him. I don’t want to be over dramatic but if it had been me it would have been the start to the worst day of my life.
So now I know everyone is checking to make sure their barn doors are closed and inevitably someone’s is open. I just hope you’re not sitting on a bus or a train reading this on your iPhone when you realize it’s you, because of all the people around you, you’re the last one to know.
If it is you, just remember what James Earl Jones says, "This is CNN!"
No comments:
Post a Comment