I'm Your Huckleberry

I really wish I came up with the following text because it’s brilliant. Unfortunately I pulled it directly from the Tennessean, the local newspaper. I’ve simply added some commentary:

A House subcommittee passed a series of gun-related bills Wednesday that would allow handgun carry permit holders to carry their guns in restaurants, wildlife areas and state, but not local, parks.

Jigga what? Guns? In restaurants? W-wh-why? Why? Why? Who the hell was pushing for this bill? Why? Why?

“Yes, I’ll have the 24 ounce porter house with the side of asparagus and the garlic mashed potatoes along with a round of .38 slugs… and a sweet tea.”

The session was a victory for House Republicans. House Speaker Rep. Kent Williams, an Elizabethton Republican, attended in a show of support for a bill that would allow handguns in wildlife areas.

Jigga what? Wildlife areas? Why? Who or what the fuck will you be shooting in a wildlife area? Isn’t this already a law? It’s called HUNTING and you do it with a permit. You know, you sit out in the woods for several days, wait for a defenseless deer to wander by, shoot it just for shits and giggles, then put its head on your wall.”

During the meeting Williams sided with Democratic Rep. Janis Sontany to encourage lawmakers to remove local parks from a bill that would allow handguns in parks throughout the state.

Thank god! A voice of reason!

"I've seen too many fits of anger at these local parks," Williams said. "Where there's going to be and will be a fit of anger, we don't need somebody carrying a gun in that area."

Wait – what? What local park are you hanging out at where you see fits of anger? If that’s such a problem, why aren’t we banning “fits of anger” from local parks instead of allowing handguns everywhere else? And if you’re so concerned about fits of anger, have you never seen an angry restaurant patron? “I ordered the goddamn porter house! This is a t-bone!” BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

Williams and members of the committee were most concerned with fights during sporting events. Roy Wilson, Metro Parks director, said he was glad to hear his parks might not be included in the legislation.

"You have all of these teams, and you know how these folks get crazy because they think the referee cheated. Those referees are my employees," Wilson said.

Thank god. Protect the referees. Fuck the wildlife, but thank god for the referees.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Union County Republican Rep. Chad Faulkner argued to keep local parks in the bill, and the committee delayed the bill for a week to remove local parks from the stipulation.

If I ever, in my life, run into this Chad Faulkner, I hope on all that is holy that it happens at a local park because I am going to kick him in the nuts and say, “Bet you wish you had your gun right now, dontcha?”

A separate bill, introduced by Strawberry Plains Republican Rep. Frank Niceley, that would allow handguns to be carried only in state parks passed to the full committee. The subcommittee also passed a bill that would allow handguns in restaurants until 11 p.m.

“Last call! Last call! Last call for handguns! They don’t have to go home but they can’t stay here!”

This all begs the question: WHEN THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER POSSIBLY NEED TO HAVE A HANDGUN ON YOUR PERSON??????? I have never, in my life, been in a situation where I thought, “Shit! If only I had my glock right now…” Even if I were to be walking down the street and some thug jumps out of the shadows with a gun and says, “Give me all your money… and your pants!” What the fuck am I going to do? Am I going to suddenly outdraw him like I’m Doc-fucking-Holiday? His gun is already drawn!!!

Granted, it would give me the opportunity to live out the best scene in cinematic history:

Johnny Ringo: “Well, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Doc Holiday: “I’m your huckleberry… Why, Johnny Ringo… you look like somebody just walked over your grave.”

JR: “Fights not with you, Holiday.”

DH: “I beg to differ. We started a game we never got to finish. Play for blood, remember?”

JR: “I… I was just fooling about.”

DH: “I wasn’t… And this time, it’s legal.”

JR: “Alright, let’s do it.”

DH: “Say when.”

*BANG*

DH: “Come on. Come on! Johnny, come on! You’re no daisy. You’re no daisy at all… Poor soul, you were just too high-strung.”