Things I've Heard At Work

Here are some things I’ve heard at work recently:

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“Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus will be playing an outdoor concert for Good Morning America on the corner of 5^th and Broadway at 8 AM. Please plan your morning commute accordingly.”

In a company-wide e-mail the day before the Country Music Awards. I just found this to be an amusing this-could-only-happen-in-Nashville moment.

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“Now that's freaking hysterical!!!!!!! Lmbo!!!!!!! Too funny!!!!!! lol hahahahaha!!! Too funny!!!”

From one of the administrative assistants in response to a mildly humorous e-mail I sent out. I’ve certainly sent much, much funnier e-mails than the one that garnered this response, but I can’t imagine the funniest thing I’ve ever written ever warranting a reaction like this. I mean, fuck, how many exclamation points can you include in one message? The ratio of punctuation to letters is damn near 1:1.

It made me wonder what this reaction would look like in person. It’s like my joke was the catalyst for inducing an epileptic seizure of hysteria.  

 

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“Yeah – praise our Lord and all the great Surgeons :) Great News! Thank you.”

In an e-mail to 50+ people in our department in response to an e-mail indicating that a woman who had gone in for some elective surgery had made it through without any problems. Far be it from me to be cynical about someone coming through a surgery. I was just surprised to see such an open display of piety at work for the holy trinity of God, Surgery, and I don’t know… Employer paid Health Insurance?

 

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"I work with a real penis."

Overheard from my cubicle. Several really important words were left out of this statement, such as, "I work with someone who is a real penis." But truly it doesn't really matter what you say, no one is listening after you've used the word "penis" in the office. 

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"Oh, I see you took the short one… They other day I was at one that was so tall I had to stand on my tippy-toes so my hands weren't resting in the water."

Heard while standing at the urinal. I took the shorter of the two leaving the taller to a rather vertically challenged individual. I didn’t offer a response to this declaration because there literally is no possible way to respond to a statement like this.