My new company has a quarterly newsletter posted on the intranet containing articles and relevant news to the entire company. Last quarter’s newsletter contained a very informative article from the CEO as well as some lighter fare like baby announcements, new hire profiles, and upcoming intramural sporting events. With little else to do on my first day, I read the entire newsletter from cover to cover, so to speak. Located at the bottom of the newsletter was the following article:
“Some Nashville employees are expressing their outrage at the recent announcement of “Doughnut Un-Appreciation Day” to be observed on the second Tuesday of each month. You might recall the second Tuesday was previously hailed as “Doughnut Day” in which 50 dozen boxes of Krispy Kremes were distributed to all floors [of the building].
“Currently, each floor is allotted 1 glazed and 1 assorted box of doughnuts per large kitchen which has historically been plenty to go around. However, in recent weeks, our roving reporters have witnessed employees going “under the radar”, stealing one, sometimes two boxes from other kitchens and bringing to theirs. These acts have wreaked havoc on the whole doughnut distribution system, causing unnecessary recounts and nasty voice mails from unhappy employees wondering why they did not receive their fair share of glazed goodness.
“Management heard of the recent events and decided to take action before the situation got out of hand. A committee, reportedly named D.U.D., was formed to analyze the program and word got out last week that they voted unanimously to establish “Doughnut Un-Appreciation Day”. Our sources state they plan to serve week-old stale doughnuts rather than the tasty warm favorites our employees had come to know and love.
“Word around the office is Doughnut Day is taken very seriously. What started out as a positive employee morale gesture has taken on a life of its own. When Doughnut Day was born, nobody could’ve imagined how far some employees would go to get one of the fried delights. Some might think they were nearing extinction the way employees treat the event. For instance, many employees arrive extra early to stake their claim on their favorite glazed goodness. Some go as far as to mark it on their calendar so as not to miss out on the monthly Krispy Kreme treats.
“If I don’t get here by 7:30 and start hovering around the kitchen, I will not get a chocolate covered glazed doughnut,” one employee told the Bug. “One time, I actually had to steal one from the 8th floor because I was running late due to a backup on I-40. It was really frustrating,” he added.”
The article went on in this manner with several other quotes and reactions to the news presented by the DUD committee. Now, I was as confused as you are. I mean, it’s obviously intended to be humorous but it lacks enough irony to make it truly satirical and, quite frankly, it lacks enough humor to be truly humorous. So I was left scratching my head.
After further investigation I found the article is part of a section of the newsletter called “Below the Scroll,” which is in fact intended to be a satirical take on the news around the office, much like The Onion. In short, the article was completely fabricated and supposedly funny. Since it wasn’t, it begs the question: How long before I can get an article published in the newsletter?
Consider the following headlines a small preview of what I’ll be working on in hopes that I’ll get something approved for the publication:
-Monster vs Red Bull vs Rock Star: A Comprehensive Study of the Correlation Between Modern Day Energy Drinks and Workplace Productivity
-Do You Think You’ve Been Sexually Harassed At Work? Take This Fun and Interactive Quiz
-Who Dropped A Deuce In My Filing Cabinet?
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