I don’t want Phil Collins life to actually end, just his musical career. A dream I’ve had for many years came true last April when Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. Stage 1 was completed. Next up, the more difficult Stage 2. Making sure a Phil Collins song is never heard on the radio or television again.
I don’t hate Phil Collins as a person. I just hate his music. And his general appearance. And the fact he looks more like a shoe salesman or junior high math teacher than he does an internationally known musician. You know that uncle you have that you see twice a year, is always wearing pleated jeans, still wears Blu-Blocker sunglasses, and still rocks a braided belt? That’s Phil Collins. When I see Phil Collins I don’t think grammy winning musician. I don’t think nine #1 singles. I think Arby’s assistant manager. And not even a good assistant manager. The type of assistant manager who still wants to impress the teenage employees so he lets them borrow his car, lets them show up late to work, and buys them beer. He’s the type of guy who still uses phrases that were popular last decade, like, “we’re not worthy”, and “talk to the hand”. He’s the one who was doing the Budweiser “Wassssssuuuuppppp” at last years Christmas party. Then at the same Christmas party, he’s the one that got you a “No Fear” t-shirt. He’s a gigantic douchebag all around. From the top of his shiny bald head to the bottom of his feet tucked away in penny loafers, he is void of any sort of coolness, and wreaks of Vicks VapoRub and baloney sandwiches year round.
And that’s not even the worst part. Have you ever been subjected to his music? First of all, before he even opens his mouth to sing, I feel like a dozen miniature donuts are going to fall out. Then when he does sing, feelings of dizziness, fright, and depression sweep over me. His songs are the perfect example of what shitty music is all about. If you don’t believe me, here are the lyrics to one of his hit singles, “Sussudio”:
There’s this girl that’s been on my mind
All the time, sussudio oh oh
Now she don’t even know my name
But I think she likes me just the same
Sussudio oh oh
Oh if she called me I’d be there
I’d come running anywhere
She’s all I need, all my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio, just say the word
Oh sussudio
Now I know that I’m too young
My love has just begun
Sussudio oh oh
Ooh give me a chance, give me a sign
I’ll show her anytime
Sussudio oh oh
Ah, I’ve just got to have her, have her now
I’ve got to get closer but I don’t know how
She makes me nervous and makes me scared
But I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio just say the word
Oh sussudio, oh
Ah, she’s all I need all of my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio I just say the word
Oh sussudio I just say the word
Oh sussudio I’ll say the word
Sussudio oh oh oh
Just say the word
It’s so hard to describe why I hate his music so much. Maybe because every song he wrote/sung is a typical pop song. No variation. No excitement. His songs conjure up feelings of.....nothing. You know after the song is over you just wasted 4 minutes of your life, and you are a worse person than you were when the song started. His songs sound like every other pop song around in that time period. Just boring lyrics where he’s not really saying anything mixed with bubbly, upbeat instrumentals, mixed with the fact he looks like a frumpy math teacher = hatred.
More evidence:
Well I’ve been waiting, waiting here so long
But thinking nothing, nothing could go wrong, ooh now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems Im falling, falling for her.
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
Well I don’t really know her, I only know her name
But she crawls under your skin, you’re never quite the same, and now I
Know
She’s got something you just cant trust
Its something mysterious
And now it seems Im falling, falling for her.
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
She don’t like losing, to her its still a game
And though she will mess up your life,
You’ll want her just the same, and now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems I’ve fallen, fallen for her.
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
Give me a team of monkeys, a typewriter, cocaine, and 24 hours, and that team of monkeys will compose a better song than “Invisible Touch.”
iTunes lists Phil Collins and Genesis musical genre as pop, but wikipedia lists Phil as progressive rock. Clearly, this is because there is no “shit” category as an option. But after reading this I started to worry. What if somehow he one day made it to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? This travesty would be the equivalent of Paul Blart Mall Cop winning an Oscar for Picture Of The Year, or Nickelback winning a Grammy, or George W. Bush be included on Mount Rushmore. The apocalypse would surely be upon us. And that’s fine, because I don’t want to live in a world where Phil Collins is in the Hall Of Fame for anything. Except douchebaggery. And on his induction day, this picture would definitely be shown:
So you are probably now asking, how do I help complete Stage 2, making sure a Phil Collins song is never heard on the radio or television again? Well, first of all, thank you for your support. I’ve taken the liberty a drafting a form letter for you to print out, sign, and mail to your local radio stations, cable provider, congressman, clergy, mayor, driver’s ed teacher, and anyone else of authority who is willing to listen. The madness has to stop - and that starts with your participation.
Dear ___________________,
Please help me in my quest to eliminate the music of Phil Collins from the recorded history of mankind. Recent studies show that most random acts of violence, spousal abuse, and world wars are caused by repeated listening to Phil Collins songs. I mean seriously, the song “Two Hearts?” These are some of the lyrics:
She knows (she knows)
There’ll always be a special place in my heart for her
She knows, she knows, she knows,
Yeah, she knows (she knows)
No matter how far apart we are
She knows, I’m always right there beside her
Now you can see that we, as a people, are in grave danger. If I have to hear “In The Air Tonight” at one more sporting event, I might kill someone. And that person may be you. And I’m sure you don’t want to be the latest victim of PCRD (Phil Collins Related Death). So please, do everything in your power to make sure the next TV commercial I hear doesn’t have a Phil Collins song playing in the background. And make sure the next time a Phil Collins song is requested over a radio station’s “Lunchtime Retro Flashback” request show, the DJ does not play it. Because we are not safe as a society, until Phil Collins is no longer given a voice. Thank You for you concern,
Sincerely,
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