This goes along very nicely with what we've been talking about. One very astute reader sent me this article you may already have seen in the Tennessean, which I'll summarize below:
http://www.tennessean.com/article/20090305/NEWS01/90305025
Basically, some company used a set of criteria to figure out that Nashville is the manliest city in the country. Yeah, you read that correctly - Nashville is the manliest city in the United States of America, and really we could probably just extrapolate that to the entire world and basically the universe.
Here is the rest of the top ten:
1. Nashville, Tenn. 2. Charlotte, N.C. 3. Oklahoma City 4. Cincinnati 5. Denver 6. St. Louis 7. Columbus, Ohio 8. Kansas City, Mo. 9. Indianapolis 10. Toledo, Ohio
In case you didn't notice, it's worth noting for the past 7 years I've been living in one of the top 7 manliest cities in the universe. Obviously.
-Number of professional major league sports teams
-Frequency of monster truck rallies.
-Number of NASCAR enthusiasts
-Popularity of hunting and fishing
-Concentration of barbecue restaurants
-Among others
So basically what they're saying is, the manliest cities in the country are full of big, fat, uneducated rednecks. Now I know it's unfair for me to characterize all NASCAR fans as uneducated because I'm sure some of them have completed remedial levels of elementary education but there isn't a single one of them that would take exception to being called a redneck.
In order to legitimize the study I feel it necessary to offer up some additional criteria of my own:
-Jean Claude Van Damme video rentals: Men like ass-kicking movies and JCVD is the ass-kickingest of them all. Universal Soldier - I’ll take three, thank you very much. Double Impact – What’s better than one JCVD? Two, clearly.
-Beer Sales: I’m not talking about that bullshit bottled, imported shit. I’m talking about the real beer made from all unnatural ingredients that comes in an aluminum can, which a real man can crush between his ass cheeks.
-Pollution: The environment is for sissies. Father Nature knew what he was doing when he walked out on Mother Nature because she was a nagging whore and now she can’t fend for herself. Tough shit.
-Number of arrests for public urination: The world is a man’s urinal. If you have a problem with it, start tying your shoelaces and stop stepping in my puddle.
-Number of Autozones: Yeah, that’s me in my driveway working on my car. What am I doing? I don’t fucking know. But I do know that I’m a man and men work on their cars.
-Number of reported Little League fights: No, not on the diamond; I’m talking about in the stands. If you’re not willing to punch another dude in the face because his kid is throwing high and tight against your kid, you don’t deserve to wear pants to work.
-Gold sales: Silver? Platinum? Diamonds? Gay. Real mean wear gold and lots of it. I have on 4 necklaces and 3 rings right now, two of which are class rings for schools I never went to.
-Beards: This goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, beards = manly.
-Denny’s Franchises: I’ll have the All American Slam with bacon and sausage and my beard will have the Lumberjack Slam with a double side of bacon. We sure are hungry.
-Axe Body Spray sales: So what if it smells like a sweaty nightclub in New Jersey? Chicks love that shit.
-Number of Concealed Carry Permits per capita: I’m a man so I own a gun. Lots of guns. And I carry them around with me everywhere I go; hidden and out of sight because that’s what a real man does. Why? Why not? You don’t know when you’ll be sitting in Denny’s and someone looks at you cross and next thing you know it’s like the OK Corral all over again.
The moral of the story is, if you plan on coming to Nashville anytime soon, you better be ready to man up, because that’s what we do here.
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