Draino

Posted by John

My boss is perhaps the most well-intentioned man I've ever met and I respect that more than I could possibly say. However it also means he is the most well-intentioned traitorous bastard I've ever met. Just today he informed me, after the fact, that he had nominated me to an executive position on the board of the local chapter of plumbing engineers. I'm not making this up. As you can imagine this is the worst news I've heard since Blair was voted off in the original Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes.

I haven’t been on the executive board of anything since I was treasurer of the Students Against Drunk Driving organization in high school, which only had an operating budget of $125/year that mostly went towards funding the spring kegger, or since I was Pledge Educator of the fraternity where I was author of several now famous and infamous memos describing the legal merits of, and in turn the benefits to the safety and security of the fraternity for hazing new pledges, or “first year detainees” as we liked to call them.

The elections are next week and I have every bad intention of throwing the damn thing so I don't win. However I know exactly what's going to happen: I'm going to find out the guy running against me is a socialist-hating, right wing nut job running on a platform to tighten the immigration laws against illegal bathroom attendants while lobbying for more freedom to carry concealed weapons in public restrooms and proposing legislation that would threaten the endangered urinal cakes into extinction and I just know my liberal elitism will get the best of me and I'll feel obligated to run a hardnosed yet transparent campaign of hope and reform to provide solar powered flush sensors in every bathroom, free healthcare and education for Roto Rooter employees, and create a cap and trade program for flatulence.

Shit, I don't even know what the position actually is or any of the responsibilities. All I know is, as an executive I would be expected to contribute an article to the quarterly plumbing engineering newsletter which, as I understand, needs to be topical and relevant to current affairs in the plumbing engineer’s world. I'm not making this up. Does this not sound like the worst idea ever, for both me and the entire organization? What do they expect me to write about? My inability to renovate my own bathroom?

Just in case I actually do have to try to win some votes at next week’s elections I think I'm going to prepare some sort of an article in advance. It's still rough but let me know what you think:

Fellow Plumbing Engineers,

As many of you are aware, the International Plumbing Code Counsel has recently announced plans to enforce stricter requirements for sampling and testing of wastewater from all new commercial building projects. While this has many far-reaching implications, the most immediate need is that all Plumbing Engineers must start designing and specifying the appropriate fittings to allow for the collection of the samples that will be tested.

The most effective place to locate such a fitting is just outside the building on the main drain line. While many fittings can be used for this purpose, the most prevalent fittings are the common sampling tees (Figure 1).

Sampling tees are so named for their resemblance to the letter, but are more commonly referred to as test tees.

While it's possible to have only one test tee that will function just fine, ideally you will get the most optimal performance out of installing two test tees. Additionally it’s not uncommon to have one test tee that’s slightly larger than the other and/or one installed a tad bit lower than the other; it’s perfectly natural and acceptable.

It's also extremely important to note that for your safety you should check your test tees regularly for abnormalities and while test tees commonly function properly over the course of a long life, it's recommended you have a professional inspect your test tees annually after the first 50 years of service. In this way you can remain ahead of the curve for early detection and treatment in the event any problems do arise.

If you have any questions about or simply care to talk with someone about your test tee problems, please feel free to contact Andrew Thompson III¹ in our office, any time, day or night. He’d be more than happy to assist you.

Regards 

 

PS - Stay tuned for next quarter’s article in which I personally test and review a new product on the market that uses a small fiber optic camera that can snake its way through the backside of the building sanitary sewer for a comprehensive inspection to detect clogs and leaks, called The Drainoscopy.

 

1. This little anecdote would be approximately 50 times funnier if you recognized this as the name of the new kid at work, but as it is maybe you can at least get a mild chuckle out of the joke in retrospect anyway.