The Office

Speaking of office pranks as I was the other day, I'm going to tell the story of the greatest office prank of all time, which isn't even my story, but I'm going to tell it like it's my story to protect the identity of the true storyteller... and also make it sound like I'm the funniest sonofabitch you've ever known.

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I had been working an office job for a couple of years and hated every second of it. My boss was the biggest dick in the world and I hated all the minions around me who were always ready to stick their noses up his ass at the drop of a hat. After three years of getting passed for promotions because I wasn't chasing after the guy to fluff his balls whenever he needed had me completely fed up, so I finally put in my two weeks notice.

As much as I hated working there, it wasn't until after I put my two-weeks in that I really realized how horrible it actually was. I mean, I spent my last two weeks literally counting down the minutes, feeling like a man possessed by anger and hatred. Every time someone walked by my desk all I could think was, "I can't wait until I never have to see that asshole again."

I wanted to believe that my absence at the company would somehow negatively affect them but the truth is, I could have walked out the front door and it would be a month before my asshole boss would have noticed their productivity had been cut in half. He was that much of a self-centered, ego-maniacal prick. So, I came up with a plan to make sure he, and the rest of them, would never forget my last day in the office.

That Friday I got to work extra early, long before anyone else, in order to set things in motion, then sat silently at my desk all morning, just waiting. Then, right around 10 am, it started.

At first it was just the quick shuffle of one pair of feet past my cubicle towards the bathroom. Then a few minutes later a second... then a third... and a fourth. Before too long there was a line 8 people deep standing outside the single toilet shitter, each with the same look on their face: pale, sweaty, and panicked. Unsure about what was going on inside of them, they were all completely unprepared for the stroll through hell they were about to embark on.

Unfortunately for all of them, the line to the shitter was moving slower than the lines at Cedar Point on opening day and the capacity of that bathroom wasn’t enough to contain the wraith of one of the individuals, let alone all of them.

One dude didn’t even bother waiting in line. He couldn’t. He just walked out the front door and drove straight home. I later found out he didn’t quite make it.

As you’ve guessed by now, I got my hands on some Peri-Colace, a powerful laxative that is the equivalent of turning your colon from a singe-lane dirt road into a 6-lane superhighway, and sprinkled a little – ok, a lot - into the coffee can that morning.

Yes, it was diabolical, and yes, they all deserved it.  

Weeks later I met up with some of those assholes at a happy hour and to my delight, there were still talking about that day. Some had more coffee than others and it lasted all weekend. The best part was, none of them had any idea what hit them. They thought they’d all contracted some flu bug. Yeah right; the 72-hr colon exfoliating flu-bug that was completely isolated to a single office space that just so happened to have only one shitter in the entire building. Idiots. 

Better yet, apparently there was still some residual laxative in the coffee on Monday morning and those ignorant sonsofbitches just walked right into again.

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Now, I know you’re all questioning the legitimacy of the story but I can assure you, despite taking some creative liberties to fill in a few details, everything I’ve written is based on the true story that was told to me. I can also assure you, this story is the reason I don’t ever drink coffee.